Ok, I'm going to admit it. I'm scared.
From the comfort
of my campus coffee shop, my favorite mug full of steaming Italian roast,
barefoot in an armchair, I still feel scared.
I have no
immediate threat, and that is exactly what scares me. You see, I'm caught
between an exciting and mysterious time -- I'm getting ready to start my senior
year of college. I can look around me and see the comfort I've experienced in
undergraduate academia, and I can see just far enough ahead to know that Real
Life is waiting around the corner with a 2x4, poised and ready to smack me
upside the head. The thing is, I don't know what this real life looks like, or
exactly where I'm supposed to exit to find this corner that Real Life lingers
at.
For the last two
years or so, I've felt a calling into ministry in the Episcopal Church. From
the moment I finally understood the language of the nagging feeling I carried,
I was excited beyond words. I've talked to as many priests as I can, interned
under and shadowed many people, and tried to glean as much information I can
about the impending journey. In this process, I've heard rumors that young
people have a difficult time in ministry and that generally, I need to buckle up
because it's going to be a bumpy ride. I did not fully realize what this could
mean until I read this article last
night. It may seem a little alarmist, and in fact, I am alarmed. It did not
make me doubt my calling, per se. I'm still as starry-eyed and hopeful as ever
before, but I did stop and ask, "Hey God, I know you're still really
serious about this whole calling thing, and I'm fine with that, really. But,
*gulp* really, dude?" And so I spent most of last night and this morning
pondering what the future of the church means, what my role in that could
possibly be, and if I'm really just feeding myself to the wolves. Dude,
wolves are scary. So is the future. Scary stuff, man.
A dear friend
enlightened me and reminded me that all of the great denominational upheavals
were preceded by and followed by periods of mass confusion and frustration.
Yup, that about hits the nail on the head, from the sounds of it. I guess I'm
in disbelief. I can't fathom being a part of any great church movement. I knew
ministry was not a settling career, but man I did not expect to be coming into
something like this in my lifetime. I suppose I was naive to think that I would
have to so drastically reconcile my own faith with the society around me; that
certainly was not anything they told me about in Sunday School and youth
group. I suppose I feel this way about the article because, while I
want to remain humble and never want to think I'm helping to usher some
magnificent new thing with the church, it feels as though the level of
complacency I witnessed with my pastors and priests growing up is far from
attainable in what is to come. Not that I ever wanted to be complacent or
hum-drum in my ministry, but the task at hand and what we are being called to
is daunting.
I’m excited for it, and also in awe. Much like when I stare up at
a 60’ wall of rock. I’m excited to climb it, and while I can see a few crevices
that I can assume will fit a hand or a ledge I can balance a toe on, I don’t
actually know what is up there until I’m there. I can think like I’m planning
what moves I’ll do, and once I get there realize I’m going completely the wrong
way. Furthermore, I have no idea what grade the rock is, whether it’s an easy
5.7 or a grueling 5.11. (For you non-climbers, that is how rock climbing routes
are labeled by difficulty. See Lexicon) I’m in awe and excited to face the rock and see
what it has to show me, but paralyzed at the prospect of all of my abilities
being humbled to practically nothing.
And perhaps I'm
still naive. But what the article alludes to and what I've certainly noticed is
that many of us feel this way. For that, I think that it is something that
should not be ignored, even if it isn't realized in the way we would expect it
to be.
And so I’m still
scared. I’m scared because I feel this calling, and yet I do not know what it
will mean. So, I am starting this blog to track my sloppy and fumbling
understanding of what my ministry will come to be. To track what my scrambling
up this rock route of Life will look like, and how my lat muscles will grow and
strengthen in the process. Will it mean jumping in (or up?) with both feet,
gung-ho and ready to bring more glory to God in a generation that feels no need
for organized religion? Will it mean exploring another career, one that can
teach me skills seminary will not be able to, all in preparation and
anticipation of a ministry someday? Whatever may come, I am going to keep
trucking along, prayerful, dazed, confused, and caffeinated. I imagine that
sometimes I will feel comfort and validation, and other times, like today!, I
will feel scared and apprehensive and jittery. Maybe the lesson here, really,
is that I need to drink less coffee.
We’ll see. Climb on.
